Wednesday, 3 August 2005

Fear, Irrational?

Today I went to the doctor to collect my blood test results... It's been about a year since my last HIV test (all people should get tested from time to time, especially if they indulge in casual sex) and decided it was about time I did too.

Now, I always practice (and preach) Safer Sex, but as we all (should) know, no sex is safe sex. Celibacy is the only true Safe Sex you can have. That and wanking :-) So naturally, I got a bit anxious. For some strange reason, I woke up especially early, after an uneasy sleep, and couldn't stop thinking about it. I was counting the hours and minutes til I got to the doctor, and I kept getting more anxious as the day went by.

By the time I got to the doctor, I was almost shaking. I had a little orange squezy anti-stress ball with me, and I almost pulled it apart due to my anxiety... I waited outside the doctor's office for about 10 minutes, which seemed like a week. I prayed and kept repeating: negative, negative, negative...

Finally, the door opened, and I got in. Said I had come to collect my results. I have no idea what I must have looked like (probably wite as a sheet), but she told me to shape up and be calm. Felt like I was about to collapse. No. The wait outside the door wasn't long. This 25second wait til she found my file, lasted a lifetime. I sank down on a chair and felt like I was going to faint.

Thankfully she said quickly enough "you're negative". And I felt myself split in two. I breathed out deeply. And thanked her and left. This was the first time in my life I let fear conquer me so much and nearly make me a nervous wreck.

Of course I was negative, I always play safe (as can be), but anyone who -faced with this process- denies having any fear towards the outcome, is a blatant lier..

It's a terrible thing, and my thoughts and love goes out to every single person out there who has had to hear a different result than I did again today. But my thoughts also go out to all the doctors and nurses out there who deal with life's harsh realities. Especially when they are bearers of bad news.

One day, soon enough, we will all be free again. I sincerely believe it.

Wednesday, 29 June 2005

Good Start

So the latest news are that the 7th International Panorama of Film & Video (taking place in September 2005 in Athens) will be showing my short film ''Hermes'' ( though the site is still under construction, there are a few pages up there already).


The first of many, I hope I hope I hope.

Steven (Spielberg), did you make a note of that? *hint hint wink wink nudge nudge blink blink*

Thursday, 31 March 2005


It's been a strange week-and-a-half.

My first short film, "Hermes", was finally finished and it now remains to be seen what it can do for me, how many doors in my career it can open wide or not. Of course I am not completely happy with the result. But given the time, finances and circumstances involved, it is, I feel, a very good short film. There are lots of things I would change, but again, the day when I will be completely happy with the outcome of my work, not being able to find any faults to it, will be the day to pack it in. In the end, I also got a sense of sadness, because after a year and a half it is finally finished and now I have to move on. Bittersweet...

Second thing that happened, is I realised I am falling in love. I am not "In Love" yet, but I guess seriously on the way there. With someone I met almost three months ago. We started off as casual acquaintances, then moved on to being friends, a situation I was very comfortable with. Chemistry between us never went away though, and last week, after a few things that happened between us, I realised my feelings must have changed, and I don't even know if they are now mutual between us anymore. I think I sort of panicked and kept a bit of a distance, which ended up being reciprocated. And now I stand wondering what on earth to do, though I already have started to fall OUT of love already for various reasons. But the feeling of falling in love, even if it is for a short time, is always happy, and it's certainly been a while for me... Bittersweet again...

Life is a strange ol' thing. Pulls you up in heavens of joy on one minute and then, throws you down into the mud the next.

Sunday, 20 February 2005

Spring Fever

I love sunshine weather. It brings out the best in me. I need a lot of sun in my system to function well during the year I think. And I have really missed it. This past summer season, I was working too hard, and also volunteering for the Olympics in Athens (Rehearsals Operations Support Volunteer for the Opening and Closing Ceremonies), which left me precious little time to barely take a 4 day holiday. Ok I made that up to me by taking a 3 week trip to Denmark, Norway, Finland, Estonia and London in October/November, but summer is summer, and there is NOTHING like a great relaxing summer holiday, basking in the heat and sun, swimming in the clear blue waters of distant white-sand Greek beaches, losing track of time and place, while sweating on the sand, and if fortunate enough, being in Summer Love..

Sunday, 13 February 2005

My Funny Valentine by Chet Baker

My Funny Valentine

My funny valentine
Sweet comic valentine
You make me smile with my heart
Your looks are laughable,
Yet you're my favorite work of art

Is your figure less than Greek
Is your mouth a little weak
When you open it to speak
Are you smart

Don't change a hair for me
Not if you care for me
Stay little valentine stay
Each day is Valentine's Day (3)


It is so hard to want something very much and not be able to have it. It is even worse, when it affects your heart in ways that you can never predict or control. The smallest things make you happy, and the smallest things throw you in sadness and despair... Resistance is futile.

Saturday, 12 February 2005

Sunset of Feelings

Strange how a single picture is sometimes such an accurate mirror of one's heart.


Last night I found out some not so pleasant details about a friend of mine and assuming they are true to the extent they were described to me (I have no reason to disregard the source), it really got me thinking that we don't really know anyone out there.. Things we keep to ourselves and never let people find out, up until now I thought meant not telling little things about ourselves, like our aversion to kidneys or the fact that we tend to think of "things" as having emotions and treating them kindly.. (ok, so I am weird).. I never knew that people could be hiding things that are SO distant from their real selves that you barely recognise them by their actions anymore...

Friday, 11 February 2005

The dreaded day is approaching

I am so agitated. Valentine's day is approaching, and I am alone, yet again. Never once in 28 years, have I been in love and in a relationship on this day.. Such an irritating reminder of my own "bad luck"? Or simply another coincidence after so many? I wonder..

Well well well..

One small step for man, one giant leap for internet to have me. Since this is the first post, I am hereby welcoming myself to it.
PS. All poetry under this post was written before I ever started this blog, but through the magic of editing, I have now placed all the poems in their proper chronological order. So in one marvelous move I have hereby joined past, present & future and you are able to read what went on in my head before blogger even existed.
Not that you would want to know anyway.. but... Hmm... Nevermind.