Life has been rather quaint (at best) in its meaninglessness & inherent stress (due to various reasons I can't be fucked to mention here all over again...).
Suffice is to say, I was and still am (for the first time in my life) disillusioned by my current career stage/project.
Long irregular hours and exponentially harder work was never my problem, cause I love what I do.
I REALLY DO. And always have. It's what's kept me going all these years.
But when that joyful pleasure-flame was extinguished in a few effective blows by individuals who should really know better, and are not even worth my spit any more, then I knew something had changed inside.
It was me.
I had changed, transformed into a magical, enchanted being that still baffles me.
All of a sudden, my whole life started to change.
Days were long, nights were longer and everything seemed to blend into everything else.
Smells begun to fade.
Flavours followed.
Other sensations started evaporating too.
Touch was among the first casualties.
(Wonderful... non?)
First I gave up sex.
Love was a non-issue. Thankfully I didn't have to give it up. I've been single for over 2 years now, and I'm not really able to even become eligible for a visit by Eros any time soon.
Still, being loveless, is much like being flight-less. With less feathers of course.
(No shit).
Then I gave up social duty (including family & friends).
After that, came sport and recreation. Swimming came to an abrupt halt and so did anything else even remotely resembling a life of luxury (sleep & food, I still count as pretty basic & necessary).
(Please, do try to contain your roaring laughter).
I barely managed to keep "Reading" into my life, and insisted on attempting it, every night, lying in my bed, using pillows as head support, and kept at it for about an hour before escaping to flight-land. Where I was seldom any happier these days (another shocker).
I eventually ceased all diplomatic relations with chocolate... (what a shocker, for everyone that knows me)... Renegotiations are now officially scheduled for the 4th of August, my 33rd birthday. Assuming of course that the international authorities monitoring will allow said meeting to take place.
The final straw was giving up cinema, which admittedly I DIDN'T REALLY give up (how could I? I would rather die), rather, I denoted it to "once every two weeks"-status....
What a sad pathetic state of affairs.
That pretty much did it.
If ever I was more depressed than this I couldn't for the life of me remember it... (notwithstanding my traumatizing "coming out to my family" dark/cubic period)
And that seemed to go on and on and on, in a vicious circle or daily self-inflicted pain, that somehow managed to scathe me ONLY on the surface.
Hmmm...
That's the strange thing about it.
Inside me, a fire burning, NEVER died out. It was like I was watching all this happen to someone else, and I myself kept a safe distance, as an estranged spectator, amused and bewildered but unable or unwilling to intervene and save the day.
(How peculiar... non?)
Up until recently.
A few "minor" incidents...
(including a long lost song from my childhood, a small independent movie I never before heard of until I actually saw it, a 4logy of raw, uncompromisingly romantic adolescent books that made my heart flutter like a baby, a piece of lullaby music on my cell-phone alarm-clock, a humbling "bathroom mirror video" encounter with a charming little angel on the other side of the planet, in my most favourite city in the western world, and finally a totally selfless, giving conversation with an adorable stranger who was inexplicably smitten by my eyes & my honest words, that kept both of us up until very late)
...suddenly seemed to fuel that dormant, yet omnipresent flame inside me.
Feeding it. Teasing it. Smiling at it. Poking fun at it. Flirting with it. Tormenting it. Loving it.
And in a delicate way, much like an early Spring breeze caresses the moist, light feathery hair growing on lovers' backs, as they both lie naked, skin touching, both obliviously lost in flight-land, on a "late to sleep - late to rise" morning, that promises many a "soon-to-arrive" summer afternoons, those incidents touched my flame.
And I am alive again.
(Funny how abstinence of life, makes death seem ever the more pointless)...
No I am not in Love, silly. I guess that will come when the time is right. I have faith and patience.
I feel I am creative again.
After a looong time of feeling useless and hopeless, it surprisingly occurred to me, I actually DO have a few things to say.
And I am growing tired of keeping it all inside (if but with a few minor exceptions of self-expressions, scarcely publicized and randomly accounted for).
So that's what I've decided I am going to do.
Get writing.
For the first time in a very long time, I feel I have something worth talking about.
Something worth writing about.
Something worth living for.
I feel so silly.
It's been staring me in the face for so long now, how could I have been so blind?
They always say, write what you know.
(I don't know much, but what I do know is enough).
They always say, no compromises, just FUCKING write the "Big One".
(There is only one thing that's ever been Big Enough For Me).
They always say, write with your heart, and let the mind follow.
(It's ALL my Life's Soul Journey ever was & always will be).They always say, now is better than ever.
(And now is the time, more than ever, to embrace the Journey ahead).
I am not sure anyone will even bother to listen when I'm all done and finished. I have barely even started yet, the road is long, the river runs deep. It's too fucking early too celebrate.
Hell, it's even too early to say ANYTHING other than "we'll see..."
Still. That's good enough for me. For now. Till I die again.
.
.
.
.
Fuck that shit.
I'm free and I'm flying again.
The flame is awake and death is dead, so be it.
That's all that matters.
Long live Now.
Hell, it's even too early to say ANYTHING other than "we'll see..."
Still. That's good enough for me. For now. Till I die again.
.
.
.
.
Fuck that shit.
I'm free and I'm flying again.
The flame is awake and death is dead, so be it.
That's all that matters.
Long live Now.
No comments:
Post a Comment