Wednesday, 3 August 2005

Fear, Irrational?

Today I went to the doctor to collect my blood test results... It's been about a year since my last HIV test (all people should get tested from time to time, especially if they indulge in casual sex) and decided it was about time I did too.

Now, I always practice (and preach) Safer Sex, but as we all (should) know, no sex is safe sex. Celibacy is the only true Safe Sex you can have. That and wanking :-) So naturally, I got a bit anxious. For some strange reason, I woke up especially early, after an uneasy sleep, and couldn't stop thinking about it. I was counting the hours and minutes til I got to the doctor, and I kept getting more anxious as the day went by.

By the time I got to the doctor, I was almost shaking. I had a little orange squezy anti-stress ball with me, and I almost pulled it apart due to my anxiety... I waited outside the doctor's office for about 10 minutes, which seemed like a week. I prayed and kept repeating: negative, negative, negative...

Finally, the door opened, and I got in. Said I had come to collect my results. I have no idea what I must have looked like (probably wite as a sheet), but she told me to shape up and be calm. Felt like I was about to collapse. No. The wait outside the door wasn't long. This 25second wait til she found my file, lasted a lifetime. I sank down on a chair and felt like I was going to faint.

Thankfully she said quickly enough "you're negative". And I felt myself split in two. I breathed out deeply. And thanked her and left. This was the first time in my life I let fear conquer me so much and nearly make me a nervous wreck.

Of course I was negative, I always play safe (as can be), but anyone who -faced with this process- denies having any fear towards the outcome, is a blatant lier..

It's a terrible thing, and my thoughts and love goes out to every single person out there who has had to hear a different result than I did again today. But my thoughts also go out to all the doctors and nurses out there who deal with life's harsh realities. Especially when they are bearers of bad news.

One day, soon enough, we will all be free again. I sincerely believe it.