Monday, 18 February 2013

A Choice

Just a short distance and the kiss could be on the lips instead of the cheek. Just a short distance and yet it felt like miles away, because I was kinda suffering but it was the right thing to do, the right choice to make, the right path to go down, the path of sacrifice? No, but maybe also yes in some way, it's the path least travelled, the one that few people take, because it's always that bitch the "WHAT IF?" question that travels up and down my spine and makes me weak and makes me feeble to resist the power to control my destiny. If there's such a thing. And you ask yourself, why am I travelling this path of this so called righteousness and what's the point of that if it means I just lost my chance, the one chance, MY chance for happiness, and will I never EVER be happy now? Is that even true? Or even possible? Do we only get the ONE chance for happiness? Who knows these things, I don't know who does. But it's not me for sure. I'm not one with all the answers. I barely even have the questions, I simply know that every now and then in the middle of the night when I cross the threshold of sleep. then I know I can somehow feel the answer, whether I am close to it, or drifting further and further away from it, lost in an ocean of doubt, that doesn't even feel like a path any more. Never will you know if it's ever a choice or if it's fate. FATE. DESTINY. What is divine and what is mortal, these become one the minute you stop looking for them and you can finally breathe in the air of assurance. The assurance that you're not alone in the universe, that you too stand a chance to achieve what your heart dreams of, but also that you don't get just the once chance, the assurance that I'll get many chances, many attempts at happiness, and that is what fuels this urgency to travel down the path that is the right and pure and proper and kind and benevolent and I sacrifice myself that moment, for the sake of you finding your own path to joy and love and I hope that this attempt you get is the one that will bring you there. And in that moment you smile and you think, YES it's the right choice because you give me hope, I don't know it but you allow me the choice to make, and you make it your own. The kiss on the cheek is a smile, is soft, it lingers, of course it lingers, even Orpheas couldn't resist the urge to turn back and look, the ancient longing was there, I turn back, even as I walk away, I turn back and I look, I glance at the eyes I wanted to shine my soul into, even as I walk away I feel the power of the choice I am making, and the choice must be true, and the choice must be pure and the choice comes from the heart and the heart always knows the answer and the hearts knows the way and the path and the road and it just flies there. The heart will tease you, it will harm you it will ridicule you, but it knows that the distance I put between myself and the lips I chose not to kiss, are going to be taunting me for eternity. But the heart is proud of me. The heart is happy and rejoices at my choice; not too loud, not too strongly, but present enough to know that it won. My path is leading me where it's supposed to, and yes, maybe that's not this path right now, but the road is long and I WILL make it there and the heart knows this, oh my god yes the heart knows it and in the moment of sacrifice, I know I will make it there and that's not destiny, that's not fate, that is a choice. That is free will. Free Will that will take me over and beyond that mountain, even if it takes ten, a hundred, if it takes a thousand more sacrifices, a thousand more lifetimes of growing inside this pure energy, even after I drop this bag of bones and turn myself inside out and be the energy, that pure energy that is my heart, will be released into forever and will connect with you. And be one with you. And it's an easy choice now. There is NO "what if", it was a trick all along and I fell inside the trap. The path is not a dangerous one, not any more. It's all downhill from here and the view is clearing up and now I remember I have no answers, but for the first time in this form, I have more questions. Endless crystal questions that I will know your answer to the instant my heart electrifies with yours and I will know you and you will know me and we will know together that the old fight is over and that the fight was never a fight, it was a journey, a road, it was a path that once seemed long and twisted but the truth is, I never even moved. I travelled the whole journey, I crossed the 12 boundaries the second I made a choice. That's how to beat the monsters. That's all it takes, a choice. And the choice was to love me. And the choice was to love you. Whoever you are, I choose to love you. I finally get it. There are no monsters, and it's all your fault and it's all my fault and there are no monsters.There is no doubt and there never will be.

I Love you.